Political Jokes

Who's up for some political jokes?


Chelsea Clinton was campaigning for her mom and stopped at a college to ask students what scared them the most about the future of America.

One student replied, "Three things: Osama, Obama, and yo' mama!"

Very funny!

Haha, I've heard that before somewhere. If I knew any, I'd post them...

How about some of these quotes from Al Gore?

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

Here are some more.

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Wow....

I see you're a big Al Gore fan.

I think I like the last quote the best...

BTW I was just kidding TheWylff.

He's so immature....

OK, let's put a stop to the brotherly love on the forum. We have PMs for chitchat.

I was talking about Al Gore. Seriously. He is, just look at those quotes.

I know all about PM, I wasn't talking to anyone, mentioning a statement of fact about Gore.

Good, I thought you were talking about your brother...

You're right about Gore, by the way...

do you all think he actually said all those things?

I'll believe anything bad about Gore...

Seriously, I don't know. I can definitely imagine him saying some of them.

there are plenty of stupid quotes attributed to George W. Bush (probably some of the same ones attributed to Gore), and I'm not sure he said all of them. I'm not sure Gore said all of these either.

President Clinton was arriving in DC from Arkansas in 1998. As he stepped off Airforce 1 the Marine guard noticed that the President was carrying a pig under his arm and was quite shocked. He asked the President if that was a pig he was carrying. The President replied that it was a pet pig and that he had gotten it for Hillary. The Marine guard said "Good trade Sir".

Gore is at least reported to have said "I invented the internet." If he did, I can easily see him saying every one of those.

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

He said, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."



One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.

He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"

"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"





A bus full of politicians was speeding down a country road when it swerved into a field and crashed into a tree. The farmer who owned the field went over to investigate. Then he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later the sheriff drove by and saw the overturned bus. He knocked on the farmhouse door and asked where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said he had buried them. "They were all dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know how politicians lie."

From Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will
remain against it.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!


Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.


A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."
"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once
Upon A Time?"
And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin
with 'If Elected I promise...'"

I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but

I've only come up with one: Lying.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.


Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people


Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.

*OLD VERSION*:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and

dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter,

so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

************************************************************

*MODERN VERSION:*

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and

dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press

conference and demands to know why the ant should

be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures

of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in

his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,

this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,

and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome.”

Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich

off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him

pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning

of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having

nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant,

and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of

single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up

the last bits of the ant's food while the government house

he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house,

crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident

and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang

of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be VERY careful how you vote!!

Hillarious!!! .....and so right.

To me, that's more sad than hilarious. It's sad because that sort of thing can and does happen. I think that there really are parts of the country where I'd be better off bumming around and then getting the government involved to help me out by depriving the hard-working labourers of their well-earned wages. It's twistedly true.

The opposite of progress is Congress.